CHEESE QUOTES

Our guidebook has another practical section entitled "Cheese Quotes" and includes such quotes as...

"A poet's hope: to be, like some valley cheese, local, but prized elsewhere"

- WH Auden (1907-1973)

"The moone is made of a greene cheese"

- John Heywood (1497-1580)

...as well as a somewhat irrelevant transcript from Pulp Fiction:


Vincent: You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?

Jules: They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?

Vincent: No man, they got the metric system. They wouldn't know what a Quarter Pounder is.



But my favourite cheese quote is this one:


"How do you govern a country that has 246 varieties of cheese?"

- French general Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)

It captures the essence at the heart of this cheese-lover in attempting to explore the world of cheese. I mean, how do you even begin to summarise what is, as I have discovered, a gastronomic universe of it's own? In embarking on this Cheesepedition, I've found that the more I've discovered about cheese, the more I realised I have to discover about cheese. Friends, a Cheesepedition is a lifelong journey.

We will revisit my personal Cheesepedition from time to time, but now, here is a simple but amazing entree a food-loving friend of mine made for Christmas lunch one year (or something very close to it). It's ridiculous.


Baked Camembert with White Wine
Serves 4-6

A round of Camembert or Brie cheese
1 garlic clove, cut in half
2 tablespoons white wine
1⁄2 teaspoon dried oregano

Score cheese all over with a sharp knife and rub with garlic clove.
Place whole cheese in a lightly greased baking dish, pour wine over and scatter with oregano.
Bake 10 minutes in hot oven or until cheese has softened. Serve with crusty bread.

CHEESE TIPS

Our Cheesepedition guidebook gives us a few handy hints and tips about cheese:

Serving cheese:

• 'Always serve cheese at room temperature. Take it out of the fridge at least 4 hours before serving.' Oops. Bad host
  

• 'When putting together a cheeseboard, choose a crisp pear, some muscatels or a slice of candied citron.' But first you have to find a citron. After working out what the hell it is.

Storing cheese:

• 'Cheese must never get wet' (ie. do not wash)

• 'Cheese must not be frozen' (ie. do not freeze)
  

• 'Never store cheese wrapped in cling film. If you buy it packed in this, remove it immediately, dial 000 and wrap it in waxed paper, aluminium foil or in a cloth cheese bag.'

Buying cheese:

• 'When buying packaged cheese, check the use-by date.' If the cheese is past the use-by date, buy it, then take it back to the shop and demand they give you another one for free. If they wont comply, hold up your mobile and say "Seven words; Health-and-Safety-Inspector-on-the-line".

• 'Avoid pre-grated cheese of any kind as it will never be as good as the stuff you grate yourself.' Ignore this advice. Mainland grated mozzarella makes a wonderful snack in your lunchbox or at the movies.
  

ONWARD, CHEESELINGS

Now that the carrot has met it's fate, let the Cheesepedition proceed!

Types of Cheese
There is no one universal classification system for classifying cheese. There are too many different cheeses from too many different countries full of too many different people with too many different opinions. But most people would be somewhat familiar with the following:

Hard cheeses (cheddar, parmesan, Romano...)
Soft cheeses (Brie, camembert...)
Semi-hard/soft cheeses (edam, haloumi, Jarlsberg...)
Unripened cheeses (cream cheese, cottage cheese, marscarpone, mozzarella, ricotta...)
Blue cheeses (Gorgonzola, Blue Castello...)
Goat's cheeses (chevre...)


Cheese Facts
The guidebook gives a bunch of technical whatnot and then moves onto some "Cheese Facts":

• A 10-year old toasted cheese sandwich said to bear the face of the Virgin Mary sold for US$28, 000 on eBay. How the sandwich lasted for 10 years, I do not know.

• A Memphis woman was charged with four counts of attempted murder when she mistook a block cheese for a lump of cocaine and planned to murder four people in order to steal it.

• In France, Epoisses cheese is banned from buses and trains because of its overpowering aroma. Note: tropical fruit the durian is banned in many hotels and airlines in South-East Asia. Apparently it smells like a cross between mouldy socks and vomit. And apparently people eat it.

• A 'Cheese Roll' is held annually at Cooper's Hill in Gloucestershire, England. This event, celebrated for centuries and heralding the return of Spring, entails competitors chasing a giant cheese wheel down a steep hill. The winner takes home a 9 pound wheel of Double Gloucester cheese. I saw footage of this on the news once on a slow news day. It looks painful.

• In the UK the Stilton Cheesemaker's Association has launched a perfume which recreates the signature smell of Stilton blue cheese. The Association claims the perfume "recreates the earthy and fruity aroma" of the cheese. Mmmm, seductive...

CHANCE VS DESTINY: A RHAPSODY

I don't know if I'll ever understand this life. One minute you're languishing in the proverbial good life, master of your own universe, living off nothing but the sun, the rain and the bare earth, and the next you're torn from everything you know and love, your entire existence suddenly resting in the hands of forces beyond your control. Why me? It's just not fair.

Or so I thought...

But after some soul-searching, having my hair pulled off, being washed vigorously, and jammed with a hundred strangers into some sort of plastic packaging, I had an epiphany. This was my calling. Whatever my destiny was from here on, I was made for it, and it was all at once inescapable and beautiful.

And so I rose to meet my fate.